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adding record if it doesn't already exist
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Not sure if you are asking this *tongue-in-cheek* or not.

But the answer to this is very simple, from my experience: Drum roll...

To insert child rows, using the `RETURNING`'s surrogate key of the parent row, which may pre-exist, as a foreign key.

PS: Didn't read the whole thread, so maybe I'm off-topic :)